


To Stand

by lecworthy



Series: empire kids post-eps [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: CW: vague hints to suicidal ideation, Gen, I'm love them, beau is Not Okay, can be continuation of "to stay", more empire kids ba-by!, post ep 94, take care of yourselves!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22622929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lecworthy/pseuds/lecworthy
Summary: Caleb had dared her to stay, just as she had told him so many months ago. And she would. That didn't make her offer any less real.Caleb and Beau discuss Beau's willingness to leave, and perhaps both find understanding in the process. (Post Ep 94).
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast
Series: empire kids post-eps [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1627615
Comments: 3
Kudos: 114





	To Stand

**Author's Note:**

> hello again. as soon as this ep aired, i knew i had to write an empire kids scene. the parallels between them are UNREAL. caleb telling beau to take her own advice and to not go?? POETIC CINEMA, YALL.
> 
> in my head, i wrote this as a continuation of "[to stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17602232)," which i wrote post-ep 49, but both can be read as stand alone pieces! enjoy! <3

Caleb’s tiny hut was, well, tiny, just spacious enough for five humanoids, a goblin girl, and a firbolg to bed down. Most nights in the hut were cramped and lacking in luxury, the party finding the most basic comfort needed to fall asleep. The Xhorhouse had been a welcome amenity to a group used to sleeping on a patch of forest.

Tonight, Beauregard leaned against the magical dome, and it was the most comfortable she had ever been. Maybe she was still on a meditation high, but there was something akin to an adrenaline rush that had filled her with such relief since the moment they had fled Ishairni’s hovel. In the minutes between the moment Beau had entered the house and Jester had left it, she had already resigned herself to a life of isolation. The five stages of grief moved quickly for her. Yet, here she sat, surrounded by her family who had no intention of letting her leave. Not now, anyways.

Most of the party had fallen asleep during meditation. While at one point she might have grumbled in annoyance, Beau only grinned fondly. Their sleeping forms slumped around the cramped space, falling on top of each other. Jester had lasted longer than the rest, but she spoke briefly to Caleb and was out soon after. Beau’s gaze lingered on the tiefling for several moments before she forced herself to look away. 

Caleb had closed his eyes after Jester said goodnight, but she knew he could look basically motionless and be fully alert. Her gaze focused again, but she allowed it to settle, studying the wizard in this relaxed state. He looked softer when he slept, all tension drained from him. Beau almost gagged at that thought. When had she become so sentimental?

It was during this silent self-deprecation that the wizard in question cracked an eye open, small grin on his face. “I can feel you staring.”

Beau snorted. “Guilty. You look like a nerd when you sleep.”

“And what do I look like when I am awake?”

“A super nerd.”

His grin widened into a full smile. “You got me there, ja.”

They let silence fall for a moment. Things were easy with them, now, where it used to be tense and difficult, both of them unfamiliar with genuine care. They learned from each other, from the rest of the Nein, and they were still learning, slowly and surely. Silence was comfortable. 

Caleb, of course, had to break it. “Beauregard,” he began, in that voice that put her on high alert and ready to run. She wasn’t quite open to this conversation right now.

“Ugh, look, I know what you’re gonna say, we already had group therapy. It was stupid, I know, you care about me, I know, and I’ll never do it again, I know.”

Except she didn’t. She didn’t know if she would not sacrifice herself again, if given the chance. Those few moments of resignation had strengthened her resolve. She didn’t want to leave the Mighty Nein, nothing in her did, but she would. For them.

“Actually, I was going to say none of those things. But I appreciate the rundown of what you do know.” He looked at her with that smug I know more than you face, and she resisted the urge to fling specks of dirt in his direction.

“Alright, smart ass, then what?”

Caleb sat up properly and leaned forward so that they were eye to eye. Beau wanted to shift away, uncomfortable with such vulnerability, but she stayed.

“Why did you offer to leave?”

Her brow furrowed. “Uh, because there was an evil hag wanting our misery in exchange for breaking Nott’s curse? Where have you been, man?”

“Don’t bullshit me, Lionette,” Caleb said, not breaking his gaze, and Beau was almost proud of him throwing her words back at her. “You could have offered anything, and that is what you chose. We all saw you outside the house. You were fully prepared to walk away. I assume that means you think we would have let you.”

She shrugged, finally casting her eyes down. This private conversation was somehow harder than the one with the whole group. “I think you wouldn’t have had a choice. Evil hags don’t really take things to a vote.”

“Beauregard,” he repeated. “You can talk to me, you know. We’re not in Kamordah anymore. You do not have to keep these walls up.”

Beau knew that logically. She knew she was safer with the Nein than she ever had been at home. Still, decade old habits were hard to break. Her eyes remained downcast, and she scrubbed at her now-reddening face, hot from nerves. She could be content to shut herself off forever and retreat from all of this emotional shit. But she thought of a similar conversation, months ago, between two people awake because of the fear of what sleep might bring. How she had encouraged Caleb to talk to her, to confront what was eating him. How she could see how much lighter he felt, and she in return. And so she spoke.

“I mean, it’s like I said earlier, right? This isn’t gonna last forever. Might as well end it on my own terms. Make it mean something.” Her voice shook from nerves, but she continued. “If the reason that I’m alone is, you know, because I’m helping you guys, then I’m cool with that. It would...leave me with some sort of purpose, I guess.” 

From her peripheral vision, Beau saw Caleb shake his head a bit. “Why are you so certain that this will end?”

She smiled drily, still looking down. “Everything does.”

“Well, I disagree with you there.”

That made her look at him, if only to make sure he saw her roll her eyes. “Really, Mr. I Can’t Admit I Care About People? You’re gonna take the high road on this one? I’ve had to talk you out of leaving too, you know. And there was no noble gesture behind that one.”

“Ja, and I continue to be grateful for your infinite wisdom, Expositor.” Caleb kicked her leg lightly, and she kicked back only slightly harder. “But if I may impart some wisdom of my own.” He searched her gaze out until, finally, she met it again. “To me, this does not seem to be about a noble gesture. You wanted to break Nott’s curse, I do not doubt that. But perhaps you saw the curse as an excuse. A justification for giving yourself what you think you already deserve.” 

Beau felt the panic rise in her chest, already opening her mouth to deny it. “That- that’s not -”

“Beauregard.” He placed a hand on her knee, stopping her rambling. “I think I know a thing or two about what self punishment looks like.”

Her eyes turned towards her lap again. “It’s not like that.” 

“Then what is it?”

Silence. She wanted to berate him for acting like he knew everything, as always. She wanted to prove him wrong and tell him to fuck off. But she didn’t know how wrong he actually was. The trip to Kamordah had dredged up all of her deep-seated wounds and self-hatred, usually easy to mask, but harder when out in the open. She wanted to have control over her ending, yes. Because she saw no other option. And what better way than to offer herself for her friends?

Caleb apparently took her silence as answer enough. “You are not your father, you know.”

“I know,” she almost whispered.

“You do not owe him your forgiveness, or your love.”

“Yeah.”

“You do not owe us your love either. You do not owe us anything. But you have us. You have us no matter what. Jester was right; your leaving would cause the misery of seven, not just one. Eight if you count Frumpkin.” 

Beau smiled and looked up again. “I definitely count Frumpkin. Maybe a half count for Sprinkle.”

“That is fair. The Mighty Eight and a Half.”

She kicked him again. A few tears that had been building fell to her cheeks. She had been crying in front of people more the past few days, and part of her hated it, but another part felt...oddly content. She had never felt comfortable enough to show this much emotion before.

“We should sleep. We have a lot of travelling ahead of us,” Beau finally said.

“Ja. After that meditation, I bet I will have the best nights’ sleep of my life.”

“Based on the rest of the group, you’re probably right.”

Caleb grinned and slumped down to the lying position he had been in. Beau sat still, content to simply meditate a bit longer. Somehow, sitting in a magic dome, miles away from an evil hag’s hut, with undead zombies all around them, she had never felt more safe.

“Hey, man,” she said after a few moments. Caleb cracked an eye open. “Thanks.” Not needing to elaborate.

He smiled at her genuinely, then closed his eyes again, mumbling, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

And he would.

**Author's Note:**

> your comments and kudos are always appreciated <3 thank you for reading!


End file.
